|
c
o v e r s t o r y
Coming
out of the Queer Closet
by
Nedhera Landers
f e a t u r
e s
A
Response to Alix Dobkin's article "Queer & Present Danger"
by
De-Anna Alba
Living
Deliberately
by
Mowani Carter
The
Queering of Femininity
by
Susan Craigie
c o l u m n
s
Health
by
Dr. Lipstick
Wealth
by
Ms. Moneygrrl
Sex
by
SexySuzi
Advice
by
Victoria
Fashion
by
Fran Fatale
Femme
Perspective
by
Christine
Butch
Perspective
by
Daddy Rhon
Publisher's
Note
Letter
from the Editor
Contribute
to Femme
|
Living
Deliberately
by Mowani Carter
(continued,
page 3)
Fast
forward to the nineties. The dawn of a new millennium. New loves,
new experiences., an acceptance of who I really am. Consciousness-raising
time.
I
can't recall ever making a conscious, deliberate choice to "shout
from the rooftops" about my life (although many times in the glow
of a new romance, I certainly felt like it!) My journey was more
subtle - dropping causal remarks in "safe" circles - showing up
with my "date" at "safe" occasions, only bringing out that certain
photo album for certain visitors and, removing telling photos
for others. My coming out process was in dribs and drabs. It was
so draining. I expended so much energy in being afraid.
What
really pushed me from the closet was anger. One day, like the
ringing of a clear bell, a thought occurred to me. Out of all
the people I was avoiding "offending", not one of them was going
to step up and take my place with the Grim Reaper. None of the
wearers of the disapproving glares was ever going to say, "Oh
you go ahead, I'll die in your place". This logic, gloomy as it
may sound, stopped me dead in my tracks - if my oppressors were
not willing to DIE FOR ME, why should I be willing to LIVE
FOR THEM?
My
anger intensified. I realized that this unnamed "They" were living
in whatever ways that suited them, or as my mother would say,
"doing everything they're big enough to do", (and in many cases,
making quite a mess of it!)
I
still remember my first tentative step back out of the closet.
A straight friend was once again trying to "fix me up". Taking
a deep breath I said, "Oh, it would have to be with a woman, because
I'm a lesbian". The earth didn't tremble. She didn't gasp in horror
and run screaming from the room. What did happen was she said,
"Well, I wish I knew a woman suitable. You're such a great person,
you deserve the best". It was totally liberating!
Since
that time, I continue to "out" myself. Most of the things I'd
worried about haven't happened. The whispers from some family
members have been balanced by the unconditional love of others.
Some friends (in their own version of "don't ask, don't tell")
chose to ignore my life's reality. However, what I lost was not
as important as what I gained. I have realized that the bogey
man is my own internalized fear. I have realized that my closets
are of my own making. I have realized that to live a fulfilled
life, I must free myself, both from within and without.
continued
on page 4
|
