c o v e r s t o r y
Transgendered Butches and FTM's: a uniquely Femme Perspective
by Sonya Bolus

f e a t u r e s
Transgendered Lesbian
by Arlene Istar Lev
Passing as the Pope - the Story of Joan English
by Alison Phipps

c o l u m n s
Health
by Dr. Lipstick
Wealth
by Ms. Moneygrrl
Sex
by SexySuzi
Advice
by Victoria
Femme Perspective
by DeAnna
Butch Perspective
by E.T. Turner

Publisher's Note
Contribute to Femme

Transgendered Butches and FTMs: a uniquely femme perspective
by Sonya Bolus

(continued, page 4)

He certainly never intended to hurt me, though he knew that there was that risk. But this was his journey, a path he felt compelled to follow. The trust that I lost was not because he had been malicious, unethical or dishonest. It felt more akin to my experience of living through the 1989 earthquake in California, when I lost trust in the very ground I walked upon. That which I had thought would always be stable, was shown to be otherwise.

Perhaps this was the most difficult of the lessons I took from my experience with Dean; I learned not to trust his own self-awareness. Some of this stemmed from his difficulty in acknowledging various things about himself that were painful or shameful for him to face. As he moved through his transition, he learned that he was not alone in many of the feelings and desires he had kept hidden, sometimes even from himself. So there was much to celebrate in this journey.

At the same time, until he had worked through more primary stages of his transition, I believe that he couldn't imagine wanting certain things for himself... things that eventually became very important to him. In other words, he changed. And he couldn't possibly know how he would change until it actually happenned. So his earlier reassurances were not realistic. And much as I wanted to, I couldn't hold him accountable for "changing his mind". Because the fact of the matter is, his mind did change... physiologically.

I felt a great deal of loss around his shifting identity, physicality and sexuality -- I particularly missed being with a stone butch, as well as being with a female-bodied individual. We often talked together about how miserable he had been pre-transition, when he was stone. While he had certainly experienced his share of joy and sexual fulfillment, he had a great deal of anger, resentment and residual pain about the years he had spent as a stone butch. This was hard for me to hear because partnering a stone butch feeds me in a way that is extremely satisfying. While I don't know that I could maintain a monogamous long-term relationship with a 100% stone butch, I certainly missed the stone sexual dynamic. Post-transition, Dean was truly a man in bed. A good lover... but very, very male... and not very butch at all.

continued page 5