c o v e r s t o r y
Transgendered Butches and FTM's: a uniquely Femme Perspective
by Sonya Bolus

f e a t u r e s
Transgendered Lesbian
by Arlene Istar Lev
Passing as the Pope - the Story of Joan English
by Alison Phipps

c o l u m n s
Health
by Dr. Lipstick
Wealth
by Ms. Moneygrrl
Sex
by SexySuzi
Advice
by Victoria
Femme Perspective
by DeAnna
Butch Perspective
by E.T. Turner

Publisher's Note
Contribute to Femme

Transgendered Butches and FTMs: a uniquely femme perspective
by Sonya Bolus

(continued, page 5)

It was hard to listen to other femmes talk about their butches while my partner became more and more physically a man. It was difficult in the extreme to see how much he changed. Nothing turns me on like a handsome butch, not even a handsome transman. It was especially hard to admit this when I was married to an FTM who masculinized more each day. I tried to build strength to honor myself as a butch-loving femme and not hide from my true self, just because I understood and supported his transition.

At the same time, there were ways that I felt more "right" with my partner than I ever had before, as he became more behaviorally, apparently and legally male. Having been in several straight relationships prior to coming out, and having spent some time identifying as a bisexual, I found myself feeling a strange and disconcerting sense of familiarity in being with a "man" again. It was wonderful and scary at the same time. Our sex felt more and more "straight" - hard to explain, but there was no longer a butch-femme current that ran through it. I didn’t want to be straight, but sometimes... that felt comfortable. My own capacity for finding comfort in this was frightening to me and felt like a threat to my sense of self as a femme.

On occasion, I found myself "queering" our sex by taking on a more boy-ish or daddy-ish role, myself. I had a much harder time being the girly, sexy, femme woman I loved to be. In this way and others, I felt my femme identity was subsumed by his transition. This was not his doing. In fact, he encouraged me to explore my identity and stay true to myself. But for me, part of being femme was being queer, (though not necessarily homo-sexual), and our relationship felt less and less queer the further into transition he journeyed.

I have heard many times from TG butches that they prefer bisexual women, because such women may be more open to and appreciative of male energy. I imagine this is often true, but I resist it for myself. There was a time in my life when I was attracted to biomen, but I no longer feel that attraction at all. I hypothesize that I have been hurt too much by biomen to want them anymore, but that explanation is yet to totally satisfy me. Perhaps, it is more about discovering that I can have exactly what I desire in a TG butch, rather than searching for it in a man and never quite finding it. My attraction is so specific. It has very little to do with the female body or with bio-male masculinity. It is specific to butch masculinity and butch physiology. "Bisexual" just doesn't describe me at all. But neither does lesbian or straight.

continued on page 6